WEBVTT
1
00:00:04.080 –> 00:00:10.820
You’re listening to the Cornwall Cancer Cafe podcast with me, Matthew and me, Emma. Thanks
2
00:00:10.820 –> 00:00:17.260
to the National Lottery Community Fund for supporting this podcast. So this week we are back with
3
00:00:17.260 –> 00:00:26.720
Mark Gaimer, the Chief Executive of Cancer Support UK, who I asked recently to give some tips.
4
00:00:26.940 –> 00:00:31.760
Before we go into those, I’m just going to emphasise that I’m not a doctor. Are you
5
00:00:31.760 –> 00:00:36.140
a doctor, Emma? I’m not a doctor, I’m not a counsellor, I’m not a specialist. I’m not
6
00:00:36.140 –> 00:00:42.040
a specialist or a counsellor or nothing like that. What are you? I’m a person with lived
7
00:00:42.040 –> 00:00:48.600
experience. What are you? I think that sort of sums me up as well, yes. How funny,
8
00:00:48.780 –> 00:00:55.800
how funny that is. Bravo. Bravo. And both of us appreciate hugs. We do, we appreciate big
9
00:00:56.360 –> 00:01:02.700
because when you give a hug, you get a hug. And that empathy is very important to us,
10
00:01:02.700 –> 00:01:07.960
having gone through a cancer diagnosis and things like that. And in many ways,
11
00:01:08.740 –> 00:01:16.020
that is the theme, really, of what we’re talking about with Mark Gaimer. So I asked him
12
00:01:16.020 –> 00:01:24.500
for top five supportive words and phrases, because people find language very difficult,
13
00:01:24.500 –> 00:01:30.260
don’t they? They do. And yeah, any tips he can give, obviously, in his position,
14
00:01:30.260 –> 00:01:36.260
he’s got a lot of experience, a lot of people under him with that specialist knowledge,
15
00:01:36.560 –> 00:01:40.300
the specialist knowledge that we don’t have because we’re not specialists.
16
00:01:41.480 –> 00:01:47.480
Cancer Support UK do run a cancer coach scheme as well. And this is all the sorts
17
00:01:47.480 –> 00:01:53.180
of things that they’re involved with learning. Oh, fantastic. Let’s hear all about it.
18
00:01:53.180 –> 00:02:02.740
So let’s go to Mark Gaimer to hear his first tip. OK, so my first word, top five words,
19
00:02:03.060 –> 00:02:11.440
supportive word is empathy. And I’ve deliberately chosen this because we know that one of the
20
00:02:11.440 –> 00:02:17.820
challenges that people face or we hear that they face when they’ve had a cancer diagnosis is
21
00:02:18.420 –> 00:02:26.060
how they respond to people interacting with them. And often they say that one of the things they
22
00:02:26.060 –> 00:02:33.080
find difficult is where people come up to them and they sort of do that. I describe it as the
23
00:02:33.080 –> 00:02:42.440
sympathetic face, which is that oh, you know, poor you type expression. And often it will be
24
00:02:43.080 –> 00:02:49.220
show sympathy because the human nature is that’s how we feel we should respond.
25
00:02:50.220 –> 00:02:55.860
And sometimes that’s how we want to respond. Whereas empathy, when you try and actually
26
00:02:56.400 –> 00:03:03.080
place yourself a little bit more in trying to understand how the person telling you what
27
00:03:03.080 –> 00:03:09.560
they’re telling you is feeling, can actually have a really different impact and can really
28
00:03:09.560 –> 00:03:15.140
feel much more supported. So that’s my first supportive word, empathy.
29
00:03:16.000 –> 00:03:22.620
And it’s interesting he there is talking about empathy is about understanding as well.
30
00:03:23.460 –> 00:03:28.020
Yeah, I guess rather than saying, oh, I’m so sorry that you’re not very well,
31
00:03:28.320 –> 00:03:32.160
maybe say, how are you doing? That sort of thing.
32
00:03:32.620 –> 00:03:38.940
And keep it very open language so that you’re not forcing your thoughts on someone.
33
00:03:38.940 –> 00:03:45.420
Yeah, so by not saying, oh, I’ve got a friend who’s suffering with da da da,
34
00:03:45.440 –> 00:03:52.200
and they’re doing this, that and the other, rather than forcing their perceived knowledge on
35
00:03:52.200 –> 00:03:56.360
you, they are asking you for how are you? What are you doing? How are you doing?
36
00:03:57.020 –> 00:03:59.640
Have you had people tell you how to deal with your cancer?
37
00:04:00.000 –> 00:04:06.660
I’ve had people suggest various different things, or they’ve told me about friends
38
00:04:06.660 –> 00:04:13.760
or family that have had types of skin cancer. But my skin cancer is melanoma.
39
00:04:13.860 –> 00:04:18.700
And there are also there are different types of skin cancer out there, all very different.
40
00:04:19.180 –> 00:04:22.680
So I think there’s a lack of understanding out there. But,
41
00:04:22.700 –> 00:04:24.980
you know, people are just trying to help, aren’t they?
42
00:04:25.380 –> 00:04:36.100
People do mean well. And that is very important, because when people are they’re
43
00:04:36.100 –> 00:04:36.960
trying to do that.
44
00:04:37.020 –> 00:04:41.680
Yeah, I think they are. So yeah, let’s let’s hear what Mark has to say about.
45
00:04:42.600 –> 00:04:43.080
Connection.
46
00:04:43.180 –> 00:04:43.600
Connection.
47
00:04:43.940 –> 00:04:50.900
My second supportive word is connection. And this is something that we we have a
48
00:04:50.900 –> 00:04:57.600
little strapline on our website at Cancer Support UK. And one of the words on there
49
00:04:57.600 –> 00:05:04.460
is connection. And the reason for that is that we know people can very quickly
50
00:05:04.460 –> 00:05:11.860
describe themselves as feeling isolated. And initially you may think, well, you know,
51
00:05:11.900 –> 00:05:15.620
is that physical isolation? Is that people who live on their own or
52
00:05:16.200 –> 00:05:21.500
haven’t got a strong network around them? But often it’s people who have
53
00:05:21.500 –> 00:05:25.920
big friends and family network around them, they can just as easily
54
00:05:25.920 –> 00:05:30.100
become isolated and and feel unconnected to people.
55
00:05:30.740 –> 00:05:36.620
And so one of the things that we focus on, and which I think is a way that you can
56
00:05:36.620 –> 00:05:41.980
be supportive, is by thinking about how you stay connected with someone, not just
57
00:05:42.720 –> 00:05:47.160
physically being present, but actually being there for them
58
00:05:47.720 –> 00:05:52.100
emotionally as they go on this this difficult and challenging journey.
59
00:05:56.120 –> 00:05:59.520
Here to support you, the Cornwall Cancer Cafe podcast.
60
00:05:59.520 –> 00:06:04.100
Share this podcast on your social media so others may benefit.
61
00:06:04.180 –> 00:06:07.220
One of the things that a lot of people talk about as well
62
00:06:07.220 –> 00:06:10.700
is how lonely a cancer experience can be.
63
00:06:11.520 –> 00:06:16.400
Yeah, I think I’m thinking back to when I was first diagnosed.
64
00:06:16.500 –> 00:06:22.820
I think the isolation for me was around. First of all, I didn’t know enough about my cancer,
65
00:06:23.060 –> 00:06:26.360
so I felt isolated because I didn’t know enough about it.
66
00:06:26.360 –> 00:06:33.060
And then I felt a little bit isolated when my friends didn’t know enough about it.
67
00:06:33.560 –> 00:06:37.040
So going back to the empathy before where they were trying to be supportive,
68
00:06:37.240 –> 00:06:41.440
but didn’t know enough about it, and it just made me feel a little bit isolated
69
00:06:41.440 –> 00:06:44.300
because they were trying to talk about something they didn’t know enough about.
70
00:06:44.760 –> 00:06:46.220
How did you have anything like that?
71
00:06:46.480 –> 00:06:53.780
A lot, yes. And I also found myself almost self-isolating because I
72
00:06:54.460 –> 00:06:58.700
wasn’t sure how to express what was going on within me
73
00:06:58.700 –> 00:07:00.960
in a way that other people could understand.
74
00:07:01.740 –> 00:07:02.800
Well, that’s interesting.
75
00:07:03.140 –> 00:07:06.700
Do you feel that you’re more able to express yourself now?
76
00:07:07.680 –> 00:07:13.660
I do, yes, because once you’ve gone on a fairly long journey,
77
00:07:15.140 –> 00:07:19.340
you do learn an awful lot of coping tips, mechanisms,
78
00:07:19.340 –> 00:07:27.500
and sometimes you just throw caution to the wind and just give it a go.
79
00:07:28.540 –> 00:07:33.880
Yeah, I was going to say, I think as you travel along your journey,
80
00:07:35.280 –> 00:07:38.680
there are times that you need to just express how you’re feeling,
81
00:07:38.740 –> 00:07:44.340
and if people around you get battered, then you just have to apologize afterwards for it.
82
00:07:45.220 –> 00:07:47.620
Did you do that sort of thing yourself as well?
83
00:07:47.620 –> 00:07:54.880
Yes, I do apologize. Sometimes I felt that in my attempt to connect,
84
00:07:55.600 –> 00:08:00.600
I published almost every day what I was going through on Facebook.
85
00:08:00.700 –> 00:08:05.420
It was like an ongoing traumatic diary.
86
00:08:06.520 –> 00:08:08.400
An onslaught of Matty’s journey.
87
00:08:09.300 –> 00:08:12.980
And I actually, at many points, felt sorry for my
88
00:08:13.500 –> 00:08:17.560
friends and followers for what I was subjecting them to.
89
00:08:17.620 –> 00:08:21.520
But I suppose those that were really interested probably read each of them,
90
00:08:21.800 –> 00:08:23.260
and they were there for you.
91
00:08:23.820 –> 00:08:33.960
They were, and they actually found my honesty about it quite useful as well
92
00:08:33.960 –> 00:08:42.039
for themselves because some of them had other members or family or friends who’ve
93
00:08:43.520 –> 00:08:45.660
experienced all sorts of things.
94
00:08:46.260 –> 00:08:51.280
And so just to get that insight is useful for other people as well.
95
00:08:51.460 –> 00:08:56.080
Yeah, and of course there is the other side of it where people don’t want to talk about it
96
00:08:56.080 –> 00:09:00.580
at all. So yeah, there’s an everywhere in between, of course.
97
00:09:01.040 –> 00:09:06.900
And we’ve spoken about this before about living on your own.
98
00:09:06.900 –> 00:09:11.960
And sometimes when you live on your own you need to work harder
99
00:09:11.960 –> 00:09:17.960
to form those ways of connecting and explaining how you’re feeling that day.
100
00:09:18.500 –> 00:09:22.080
Yes, but also it’s quite handy living on your own sometimes
101
00:09:22.080 –> 00:09:24.300
because when you want to have those dark moments,
102
00:09:24.760 –> 00:09:28.140
you can just sit on the sofa in your living room and have them.
103
00:09:28.140 –> 00:09:30.520
You don’t have to go and hide yourself away to have them.
104
00:09:31.080 –> 00:09:33.120
What about the lighter moments now?
105
00:09:33.120 –> 00:09:38.160
I think we’ve got some sort of thoughts on that from Mark Gimer.
106
00:09:38.420 –> 00:09:44.540
My third supportive word is joy, which may surprise you a little bit,
107
00:09:45.220 –> 00:09:49.720
but despite the most challenging of times that people go through,
108
00:09:50.000 –> 00:09:55.400
something that we hear again and again is the importance of just finding
109
00:09:55.400 –> 00:10:00.120
those little moments of joy. And it can be the simplest of things.
110
00:10:00.720 –> 00:10:06.280
It can be a big thing. It could be an organised treat or a get together.
111
00:10:07.040 –> 00:10:10.120
But sometimes it can be just that little note
112
00:10:10.760 –> 00:10:14.380
that someone leaves you saying they’re thinking of you.
113
00:10:15.380 –> 00:10:18.320
It can be very small acts of kindness,
114
00:10:18.840 –> 00:10:24.860
but what we know is that those little moments of joy become incredibly important.
115
00:10:25.540 –> 00:10:31.520
One of the best examples I can think of recently that people may be familiar with
116
00:10:31.520 –> 00:10:36.580
is if you listen to Chris Hoy, who’s had his own cancer diagnosis
117
00:10:36.580 –> 00:10:39.760
and he’s done a BBC documentary,
118
00:10:40.280 –> 00:10:46.800
I think he talks very eloquently about the importance of finding those moments,
119
00:10:47.460 –> 00:10:51.340
those moments of joy, those little moments that are uplifting and positive.
120
00:10:51.980 –> 00:10:55.480
And he explains very clearly how that’s been important to him.
121
00:10:55.500 –> 00:10:58.560
Funny enough, he’s talking about joy.
122
00:11:00.420 –> 00:11:05.600
And Cancer Support UK sent me a care package in the post,
123
00:11:05.640 –> 00:11:13.300
which has some sweets, some teas, some treats and things to ease the day.
124
00:11:14.300 –> 00:11:19.120
Care packages do bring that sort of soft joy
125
00:11:19.860 –> 00:11:26.460
that someone has thought about it very carefully to be empathetic with you.
126
00:11:26.840 –> 00:11:30.560
Yeah, I had a care package from my skin cancer nurses
127
00:11:30.560 –> 00:11:34.900
when I got back from hospital from having the lymph nodes removed of my neck.
128
00:11:35.740 –> 00:11:38.820
There was this beautiful scarf arrived in the post for me
129
00:11:38.820 –> 00:11:42.260
and it was perfect because I’d had this operation on my neck
130
00:11:42.260 –> 00:11:44.960
and I thought they’ve thought about this.
131
00:11:44.980 –> 00:11:48.500
They’ve sent me this beautiful soft scarf and I still use it regularly.
132
00:11:49.540 –> 00:11:50.740
Absolutely blew me away.
133
00:11:50.880 –> 00:11:54.560
I was, you know, it made me cry thinking this is an amazing thing.
134
00:11:55.240 –> 00:12:00.180
But moving on from that, I’ve talked to my mum and dad quite a lot
135
00:12:00.180 –> 00:12:03.800
and they said that since I’ve had my diagnosis, they’ve seen more of me.
136
00:12:04.120 –> 00:12:08.160
So it’s also about choosing moments,
137
00:12:08.160 –> 00:12:11.380
the moments that you want to enjoy,
138
00:12:11.660 –> 00:12:14.260
the people that you want to be with, the things that bring you joy.
139
00:12:15.440 –> 00:12:23.080
I found it in many times almost permission to be sillier than normal.
140
00:12:25.280 –> 00:12:26.420
Sillier than normal?
141
00:12:29.060 –> 00:12:32.220
No, I’ve mentioned at many points about humour
142
00:12:32.900 –> 00:12:38.800
and we’ve had some chats with people who’ve got interesting takes on humour.
143
00:12:39.140 –> 00:12:43.000
One of the things that gave me joy was in many ways
144
00:12:43.000 –> 00:12:45.960
winding up some of the nurses on Headland Unit.
145
00:12:46.520 –> 00:12:48.000
Oh, I bet they love that.
146
00:12:48.880 –> 00:12:51.880
Who’s the most popular person on the Headland Unit?
147
00:12:55.160 –> 00:13:00.100
I think one of the things that I used to enjoy doing is because
148
00:13:00.480 –> 00:13:04.780
when you’re linked up to your cannula and having an infusion,
149
00:13:05.020 –> 00:13:06.840
they flush the line, don’t they?
150
00:13:06.980 –> 00:13:07.440
Yeah.
151
00:13:07.700 –> 00:13:09.820
And this nurse said, oh, flush.
152
00:13:10.060 –> 00:13:13.660
I went, ah, it saved every one of us.
153
00:13:14.160 –> 00:13:16.620
And did they say that’s not the first time you’ve heard that?
154
00:13:18.040 –> 00:13:20.200
And I did it nearly every time.
155
00:13:22.660 –> 00:13:23.580
I’ve like known it.
156
00:13:23.580 –> 00:13:24.740
I could have carried that on.
157
00:13:24.860 –> 00:13:27.080
You should have told me it’s too late now.
158
00:13:28.760 –> 00:13:34.080
So, anyone listening to this going for a treatment at the Headland Unit?
159
00:13:34.740 –> 00:13:38.400
Every time they say flush, yeah, now you’ve all got to do it.
160
00:13:38.500 –> 00:13:40.140
Everyone’s got to do that now.
161
00:13:41.700 –> 00:13:46.780
So, joy can be, you know, enjoying a bit of humour.
162
00:13:48.660 –> 00:13:49.640
A bit of humour.
163
00:13:51.000 –> 00:13:51.740
Right, okay.
164
00:13:51.740 –> 00:13:57.340
So, we are moving back to the tips and the words and the phrases
165
00:13:58.180 –> 00:14:03.460
from Cancer Support UK’s Chief Executive, Mark Gimer.
166
00:14:03.860 –> 00:14:06.020
Let’s go for number four.
167
00:14:06.220 –> 00:14:09.900
So, my fourth supportive word is comfort.
168
00:14:10.580 –> 00:14:16.320
And this, again, is another word that we use at Cancer Support UK a lot.
169
00:14:17.800 –> 00:14:23.060
Comfort is one of the things that we provide through our cancer kits
170
00:14:23.060 –> 00:14:26.900
that we send out to people who have had a cancer diagnosis.
171
00:14:28.120 –> 00:14:30.900
And you can find comfort in different ways.
172
00:14:31.340 –> 00:14:35.700
But I think everybody, when they’re facing a challenging time,
173
00:14:36.180 –> 00:14:38.280
will have moments where they feel low,
174
00:14:39.380 –> 00:14:43.340
will feel like they need something around them
175
00:14:43.340 –> 00:14:45.660
to just make them feel a bit more comforted.
176
00:14:45.660 –> 00:14:48.240
That can be through the actions of a person,
177
00:14:48.300 –> 00:14:51.660
but sometimes it can just be through a comforting item.
178
00:14:52.860 –> 00:14:59.880
So, one of the items that we send out in our cancer kits is lemon and ginger tea.
179
00:15:00.600 –> 00:15:05.060
And what we know is that many people who go through a treatment like chemotherapy
180
00:15:05.060 –> 00:15:07.480
will lose a sense of taste.
181
00:15:08.620 –> 00:15:12.500
And just having that moment where you can taste something,
182
00:15:12.500 –> 00:15:17.240
the lemon and ginger tea is something which people tell us they can still taste.
183
00:15:17.660 –> 00:15:20.600
And it just gives them that moment of comfort
184
00:15:20.600 –> 00:15:24.960
that they can still taste something despite everything they’re going through.
185
00:15:25.040 –> 00:15:26.440
And it gives them a real lift.
186
00:15:27.160 –> 00:15:29.000
So, comfort is my fourth word.
187
00:15:32.950 –> 00:15:36.320
You’re listening to the Cornwall Cancer Café podcast.
188
00:15:36.780 –> 00:15:42.940
Visit our website www.cancercafepodcast.org
189
00:15:42.940 –> 00:15:49.900
Also got to mention that Cancer Support UK send out to children
190
00:15:50.440 –> 00:15:57.320
soft toys as well for comfort for children going through cancer treatments,
191
00:15:57.560 –> 00:15:58.880
which I think is lovely.
192
00:15:58.880 –> 00:16:02.680
It is lovely but heartbreaking at the same time, isn’t it?
193
00:16:03.220 –> 00:16:05.440
But yeah, it’s interesting you saying about comfort
194
00:16:05.440 –> 00:16:07.700
because we were talking about care packages as well.
195
00:16:07.880 –> 00:16:10.120
So, I didn’t go through chemotherapy.
196
00:16:10.240 –> 00:16:11.500
So, I didn’t lose my taste.
197
00:16:11.980 –> 00:16:15.220
But I know others that did and where I’ve joked about, you know,
198
00:16:15.360 –> 00:16:17.400
all chocolate is a real go-to for comfort.
199
00:16:17.860 –> 00:16:21.300
Some of the ladies I’ve spoken to have completely lost their taste for chocolate.
200
00:16:21.440 –> 00:16:21.900
I did.
201
00:16:22.220 –> 00:16:22.480
Yeah.
202
00:16:22.940 –> 00:16:26.960
And I was amazed the first time I heard it.
203
00:16:27.040 –> 00:16:27.740
Shocked even.
204
00:16:28.180 –> 00:16:32.660
Oh no, these poor people, they can’t enjoy chocolate anymore.
205
00:16:33.520 –> 00:16:37.680
Tastes a really weird thing because I had a stem cell transplant
206
00:16:37.680 –> 00:16:41.480
and I was told before my stem cell transplant,
207
00:16:41.980 –> 00:16:43.920
during your stem cell transplant,
208
00:16:44.100 –> 00:16:48.060
you’ll probably experience the taste of sweet corn.
209
00:16:48.720 –> 00:16:50.100
I thought, what?
210
00:16:51.020 –> 00:16:52.440
Sweet corn, not popcorn.
211
00:16:54.080 –> 00:16:54.520
What?
212
00:16:55.080 –> 00:16:58.080
And I thought this was just some sort of leg pull.
213
00:16:58.800 –> 00:17:00.340
Oh, to get back at you.
214
00:17:05.240 –> 00:17:08.839
No, but when I had my stem cell transplant, yes,
215
00:17:09.160 –> 00:17:13.180
there was a distinct taste of sweet corn that filled my mouth.
216
00:17:14.599 –> 00:17:18.099
So, yeah, so I can’t actually eat sweet corn now
217
00:17:18.099 –> 00:17:20.400
without the memory of my stem cell transplant.
218
00:17:20.520 –> 00:17:22.680
So, did it put you off sweet corn for a while?
219
00:17:22.680 –> 00:17:25.060
Well, I did have sweet corn.
220
00:17:25.260 –> 00:17:28.680
Mother put some sweet corn in something the other week
221
00:17:28.680 –> 00:17:33.120
and I recounted this as, oh, are you okay?
222
00:17:33.160 –> 00:17:35.340
Yeah, I can eat it, I can eat it.
223
00:17:35.360 –> 00:17:37.420
But it just brings back the memory, that’s all.
224
00:17:37.540 –> 00:17:38.700
Yeah, lovely.
225
00:17:41.360 –> 00:17:45.580
But comfort, he also mentioned about people and about,
226
00:17:46.920 –> 00:17:50.080
I suppose part of that comfort is someone just turning up
227
00:17:50.900 –> 00:17:53.080
and checking in on you.
228
00:17:53.440 –> 00:17:56.420
Or inviting you out for a cup of coffee or,
229
00:17:56.760 –> 00:17:59.110
I mean, I had friends that I hadn’t seen for a while.
230
00:18:00.060 –> 00:18:02.320
Soon as they heard my diagnosis, they were straight,
231
00:18:02.780 –> 00:18:04.060
well, I was going to say straight on the phone,
232
00:18:04.140 –> 00:18:06.240
but straight on the phone and messaging me saying,
233
00:18:06.740 –> 00:18:08.660
come out for a cup of tea, come out for a cup of coffee.
234
00:18:08.740 –> 00:18:11.400
We’d love to see you, come and talk to us.
235
00:18:11.460 –> 00:18:14.280
And it was really refreshing just to go out
236
00:18:15.000 –> 00:18:18.080
and be outside of that immediate circle of family
237
00:18:18.080 –> 00:18:20.240
and friends that had been there supporting you,
238
00:18:20.580 –> 00:18:25.300
which it was amazing that immediate family was there,
239
00:18:25.760 –> 00:18:29.840
but so lovely that other friends from further afield
240
00:18:29.840 –> 00:18:33.680
were rallying around, so very comforting there.
241
00:18:34.360 –> 00:18:39.760
And it is amazing that the people who put their hands up
242
00:18:39.760 –> 00:18:42.180
and say, I’m here for you, isn’t it?
243
00:18:42.480 –> 00:18:42.600
Yeah.
244
00:18:42.700 –> 00:18:43.920
Those people you just didn’t expect.
245
00:18:44.220 –> 00:18:46.060
Yeah, yeah, so if you’re one of those people,
246
00:18:46.060 –> 00:18:48.860
if you’ve heard that one of your friends has had a diagnosis
247
00:18:48.860 –> 00:18:51.360
and you think, oh, should I reach out to them?
248
00:18:51.460 –> 00:18:55.060
Yes, yes, you should, because give them the opportunity
249
00:18:55.060 –> 00:18:56.960
to say, yes, I’d like to see you,
250
00:18:57.040 –> 00:18:59.100
or it’s not the right time for me,
251
00:18:59.240 –> 00:19:02.040
but you could make such a difference to that person.
252
00:19:02.860 –> 00:19:04.820
Even if it’s on my case,
253
00:19:04.940 –> 00:19:06.800
people were taking me to hospital,
254
00:19:06.920 –> 00:19:09.300
picking me up from hospital, things like that.
255
00:19:09.560 –> 00:19:14.640
And so one friend of mine took me to hospital,
256
00:19:14.640 –> 00:19:17.420
picked me up, and then took me for a pizza
257
00:19:17.420 –> 00:19:19.440
and a cup of coffee and something afterwards.
258
00:19:19.740 –> 00:19:21.560
Yeah, that was fantastic, isn’t it?
259
00:19:22.020 –> 00:19:25.420
So, yes, that was comfort from Mark Guymore.
260
00:19:26.120 –> 00:19:30.520
The number five on his top five supportive words
261
00:19:30.520 –> 00:19:33.640
and phrases, let’s find out what that is.
262
00:19:33.800 –> 00:19:38.520
And my final supportive word is compassion.
263
00:19:39.740 –> 00:19:42.660
And compassion, it’s a big word,
264
00:19:42.660 –> 00:19:44.140
it can mean many different things,
265
00:19:44.140 –> 00:19:46.720
but the way I think about it in this context
266
00:19:46.720 –> 00:19:50.780
is people showing compassion to themselves.
267
00:19:50.780 –> 00:19:52.860
So it’s really important
268
00:19:52.860 –> 00:19:56.140
that you’re not too hard on yourself,
269
00:19:57.050 –> 00:20:01.240
you don’t sort of allow this situation
270
00:20:01.240 –> 00:20:04.400
to sort of spiral a little bit
271
00:20:04.400 –> 00:20:07.180
and you start becoming, very easily in fact,
272
00:20:07.400 –> 00:20:10.300
you can become overly critical of yourself
273
00:20:10.300 –> 00:20:12.300
and how you’re handling this situation.
274
00:20:12.940 –> 00:20:15.180
The reality is we’re all different,
275
00:20:15.420 –> 00:20:17.540
we’ll all handle it in different ways,
276
00:20:17.680 –> 00:20:19.420
depending on the type of people we are
277
00:20:19.420 –> 00:20:21.320
and how we deal with these things.
278
00:20:21.680 –> 00:20:23.800
And that’s okay, that’s normal.
279
00:20:24.200 –> 00:20:26.120
And I think having a moment of compassion
280
00:20:26.120 –> 00:20:28.060
to sit back and say to yourself,
281
00:20:28.100 –> 00:20:31.040
do you know what, this is difficult for me,
282
00:20:31.680 –> 00:20:36.160
I am finding this challenging can be really important.
283
00:20:36.480 –> 00:20:40.340
But it also applies to obviously other people,
284
00:20:40.340 –> 00:20:44.880
if you’re working with a colleague who’s had a diagnosis,
285
00:20:45.520 –> 00:20:48.620
how can you be a little bit more understanding
286
00:20:48.620 –> 00:20:50.900
and compassionate towards that individual
287
00:20:51.860 –> 00:20:55.220
in the right way so that they feel supported.
288
00:20:55.480 –> 00:20:57.380
Being compassionate to yourself
289
00:20:57.380 –> 00:21:00.100
is very, very difficult.
290
00:21:00.600 –> 00:21:04.240
From my point of view, I found that so difficult.
291
00:21:05.340 –> 00:21:08.700
Yeah, I’m sat here thinking after listening to him,
292
00:21:08.700 –> 00:21:10.940
thinking about the number of times
293
00:21:10.940 –> 00:21:12.300
I was told that I could die.
294
00:21:12.460 –> 00:21:14.460
Now I’m sure you’ve had the same thing.
295
00:21:15.560 –> 00:21:17.460
The first time I heard it, I thought,
296
00:21:18.080 –> 00:21:18.840
ah, don’t be silly.
297
00:21:19.300 –> 00:21:21.560
And then it was repeated and repeated.
298
00:21:21.960 –> 00:21:25.060
And you begin to believe that actually,
299
00:21:25.180 –> 00:21:28.580
oh my goodness, I could die, I could die.
300
00:21:28.580 –> 00:21:30.700
And I did start putting my affairs in order.
301
00:21:31.580 –> 00:21:33.060
I started sorting things out,
302
00:21:33.140 –> 00:21:35.680
so writing passwords down and writing things down
303
00:21:35.680 –> 00:21:37.820
so that if something did happen to me,
304
00:21:38.700 –> 00:21:40.820
my family would be able to find everything
305
00:21:40.820 –> 00:21:42.180
that they needed to.
306
00:21:44.120 –> 00:21:47.960
And then you have days where you feel indestructible.
307
00:21:49.460 –> 00:21:51.640
And yeah, so it’s a journey, isn’t it?
308
00:21:52.480 –> 00:21:55.460
I think for my point with this
309
00:21:55.460 –> 00:21:57.280
being compassionate to yourself,
310
00:21:57.880 –> 00:22:00.720
I remember going to a hope course,
311
00:22:00.880 –> 00:22:02.420
or as I call it, a cope horse,
312
00:22:03.480 –> 00:22:06.240
where it was about being kind to yourself.
313
00:22:06.240 –> 00:22:07.860
And they gave you little cards
314
00:22:07.860 –> 00:22:11.000
to put in your wallet about being kind to yourself.
315
00:22:12.540 –> 00:22:17.200
And I found that so tricky because I’m so often,
316
00:22:17.700 –> 00:22:19.200
previously, the previous me,
317
00:22:19.280 –> 00:22:23.200
the former version of me was always very,
318
00:22:23.340 –> 00:22:27.160
I castigated myself for not getting things right
319
00:22:27.160 –> 00:22:31.940
or not thinking properly and all those sorts of things.
320
00:22:32.660 –> 00:22:35.740
Oh, Matthew, you’re being so stupid, you know?
321
00:22:35.740 –> 00:22:36.820
And all that sort of,
322
00:22:36.860 –> 00:22:41.620
that sort of very aggressive language to myself.
323
00:22:41.980 –> 00:22:44.340
And I wasn’t being compassionate to myself.
324
00:22:44.600 –> 00:22:47.340
And it took me a while to get over that.
325
00:22:48.100 –> 00:22:51.200
And even still, in recovery,
326
00:22:51.540 –> 00:22:55.820
I’ve been, well, now 18 months plus in remission
327
00:22:55.820 –> 00:22:57.540
from my third line of treatment.
328
00:22:59.240 –> 00:23:01.360
And you find yourself,
329
00:23:01.500 –> 00:23:03.080
oh, I’m gonna lie in bed a bit longer.
330
00:23:03.120 –> 00:23:05.060
I’m just gonna go back to bed after lunch
331
00:23:05.060 –> 00:23:05.800
for a sleep.
332
00:23:06.160 –> 00:23:09.940
And the little devil on your shoulder says,
333
00:23:10.560 –> 00:23:13.520
oh, you’re such a lazy person you are,
334
00:23:13.920 –> 00:23:17.040
where actually, no, I’m not a lazy person.
335
00:23:17.080 –> 00:23:19.500
I’m just someone who is in recovery.
336
00:23:19.620 –> 00:23:20.800
I’ve been through a lot.
337
00:23:20.820 –> 00:23:23.920
And I need that time and space
338
00:23:23.920 –> 00:23:26.640
to just get myself together.
339
00:23:27.480 –> 00:23:29.700
Yeah, you mentioned about being in recovery.
340
00:23:30.760 –> 00:23:35.880
I think also I’m now taking various drugs and things
341
00:23:36.420 –> 00:23:40.100
to help me along the way for the pain,
342
00:23:40.200 –> 00:23:42.100
for the pain, not for, yeah,
343
00:23:42.260 –> 00:23:44.820
not recreational drugs, because that would be naughty.
344
00:23:47.020 –> 00:23:49.300
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
345
00:23:50.900 –> 00:23:52.040
Where was I going with that?
346
00:23:52.040 –> 00:23:52.680
Oh, yeah.
347
00:23:53.600 –> 00:23:54.580
See, this is the thing.
348
00:23:55.120 –> 00:23:55.820
So, funny enough,
349
00:23:55.820 –> 00:23:57.480
I spoke to my doctor about it the other day,
350
00:23:57.480 –> 00:24:00.080
and I said, I hate the way I am now.
351
00:24:00.720 –> 00:24:03.040
Before cancer, I was on it.
352
00:24:03.040 –> 00:24:04.340
I could remember everything.
353
00:24:04.500 –> 00:24:06.060
I was organized.
354
00:24:06.660 –> 00:24:08.360
I could get lots done.
355
00:24:09.160 –> 00:24:12.260
Since cancer, and I know part of it is PTSD,
356
00:24:12.740 –> 00:24:14.760
part of it is I’m now on these,
357
00:24:15.440 –> 00:24:18.040
the drugs, my prescription drugs.
358
00:24:18.820 –> 00:24:21.480
And it’s all affected how my brain works
359
00:24:21.480 –> 00:24:22.760
and how I feel emotionally.
360
00:24:23.300 –> 00:24:24.220
But also, as you said,
361
00:24:24.220 –> 00:24:27.480
we are still recovering from a very traumatic experience.
362
00:24:27.880 –> 00:24:30.160
So, I’m trying to do things every day.
363
00:24:30.300 –> 00:24:32.420
And then a bit like we talked about earlier,
364
00:24:32.540 –> 00:24:34.080
if you try and do something,
365
00:24:34.480 –> 00:24:38.560
it absolutely wipes you out and then you need to sleep.
366
00:24:38.660 –> 00:24:41.280
But then the guilt drops in, doesn’t it?
367
00:24:41.380 –> 00:24:42.200
You know, you shouldn’t be sleeping.
368
00:24:42.260 –> 00:24:43.940
You should be doing this or this or this.
369
00:24:44.320 –> 00:24:45.820
And we also talked about, you know,
370
00:24:45.940 –> 00:24:47.460
are we well enough to work?
371
00:24:47.720 –> 00:24:49.320
And I think we both know
372
00:24:49.320 –> 00:24:50.640
that we’re not well enough to work,
373
00:24:50.640 –> 00:24:53.180
because if we did a day’s work,
374
00:24:53.180 –> 00:24:55.420
that would be it for the rest of the week, wouldn’t it?
375
00:24:56.060 –> 00:24:58.480
Yesterday, I went to a careers fair
376
00:24:59.620 –> 00:25:03.040
at Liz Kerrano, a new county hall in Truro.
377
00:25:03.740 –> 00:25:07.140
And I was thinking I’ve got to sort of
378
00:25:07.140 –> 00:25:11.760
get my mind in place to sort of reboot life in that way.
379
00:25:12.580 –> 00:25:16.080
And I looked through all of the sorts of things
380
00:25:16.080 –> 00:25:18.700
that were on offer as jobs you could apply for.
381
00:25:19.480 –> 00:25:20.820
I said, no, I can’t do that.
382
00:25:20.980 –> 00:25:22.120
No, I can’t do that.
383
00:25:22.120 –> 00:25:23.700
Nope, I won’t be able to cope with that.
384
00:25:23.780 –> 00:25:25.340
Nope, won’t be able to cope with that.
385
00:25:25.340 –> 00:25:26.560
And you start to think,
386
00:25:26.560 –> 00:25:28.740
you’re not really there, are you?
387
00:25:29.460 –> 00:25:34.220
No, so yeah, so you have to be compassionate about yourself
388
00:25:36.500 –> 00:25:39.960
and allow yourself to recover.
389
00:25:41.280 –> 00:25:43.060
And so I said to you,
390
00:25:43.060 –> 00:25:47.620
when you came through the door today to do this recording,
391
00:25:47.920 –> 00:25:49.680
that I’ve been to that careers fair
392
00:25:49.680 –> 00:25:51.540
and I was a bit sort of wiped out.
393
00:25:51.540 –> 00:25:52.280
You’re okay.
394
00:25:52.460 –> 00:25:54.820
So, well, I mean, in this way,
395
00:25:54.820 –> 00:25:56.880
I’m not being compassionate to myself today
396
00:25:56.880 –> 00:25:59.980
because I know I’ve got stuff I need to do.
397
00:26:00.060 –> 00:26:01.800
But what I did say is,
398
00:26:01.940 –> 00:26:04.260
tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday,
399
00:26:04.760 –> 00:26:08.320
I am going to do absolutely nothing
400
00:26:08.320 –> 00:26:09.580
apart from doing the shopping.
401
00:26:10.480 –> 00:26:12.760
But you might get some nice things in the shopping
402
00:26:12.760 –> 00:26:15.060
that you can enjoy and treat yourself
403
00:26:15.060 –> 00:26:17.020
and have some joy from it.
404
00:26:17.440 –> 00:26:18.320
Yes, brilliant.
405
00:26:18.320 –> 00:26:21.320
So we’ve been talking about Mark Gimer
406
00:26:22.080 –> 00:26:25.420
from Cancer Support UK’s tips.
407
00:26:25.480 –> 00:26:27.840
We’re going to have some more tips from him
408
00:26:27.840 –> 00:26:29.700
in another episode.
409
00:26:30.920 –> 00:26:33.520
So what have you learned overall today, Emma?
410
00:26:35.960 –> 00:26:38.200
To find the joy in things,
411
00:26:39.420 –> 00:26:41.620
to forgive yourself,
412
00:26:41.660 –> 00:26:46.300
but also to try and see the good in everybody,
413
00:26:46.300 –> 00:26:51.940
give people the space to come and help you.
414
00:26:51.960 –> 00:26:55.440
But also if that space is not right for you at the time,
415
00:26:55.940 –> 00:26:58.520
you’re allowed to be negative at that point
416
00:26:58.520 –> 00:27:01.240
and then you can ask for forgiveness afterwards.
417
00:27:01.840 –> 00:27:03.760
Something positive we can all do
418
00:27:03.760 –> 00:27:08.980
is if you can help us by sharing our social media posts,
419
00:27:09.020 –> 00:27:12.980
we have a Facebook feed or a page,
420
00:27:12.980 –> 00:27:16.960
look up Cornwall Cancer Cafe podcast on Facebook
421
00:27:16.960 –> 00:27:19.220
and you can follow us on there.
422
00:27:19.540 –> 00:27:24.120
And then share on Facebook, whatever, social media.
423
00:27:24.740 –> 00:27:27.500
You can go to our website as well
424
00:27:27.500 –> 00:27:31.320
and share links direct from the website.
425
00:27:31.660 –> 00:27:33.040
Have a look around the website too.
426
00:27:33.040 –> 00:27:34.280
We’ve got some blogs
427
00:27:34.280 –> 00:27:37.880
and we’ve got a diary of things going on in Cornwall
428
00:27:37.880 –> 00:27:40.840
which can support you
429
00:27:40.840 –> 00:27:44.460
as you are going through your cancer experience.
430
00:27:45.500 –> 00:27:47.680
And yeah, so we’re just looking about
431
00:27:47.680 –> 00:27:50.460
a bit of caring and sharing on that side of things.
432
00:27:50.880 –> 00:27:51.820
Yeah, caring and sharing.
433
00:27:51.860 –> 00:27:54.320
I was just thinking about my little tagline
434
00:27:54.320 –> 00:27:55.640
about hugs and things.
435
00:27:56.180 –> 00:27:58.000
When you see people say to them,
436
00:27:58.020 –> 00:27:58.620
do you want a hug?
437
00:27:58.660 –> 00:28:00.180
And if they say yes, give them a hug
438
00:28:00.180 –> 00:28:01.600
because you’ll get a hug back.
439
00:28:02.320 –> 00:28:06.220
And we’ve got a video on our video page
440
00:28:06.220 –> 00:28:07.560
with Amanda Winwood
441
00:28:07.560 –> 00:28:10.880
and have a look at cosmetics.
442
00:28:12.020 –> 00:28:14.900
And she loves, she’s called the queen of hugs
443
00:28:15.720 –> 00:28:17.000
amongst many people.
444
00:28:17.740 –> 00:28:20.640
So yeah, she really loves
445
00:28:20.640 –> 00:28:22.640
giving those sort of supportive hugs.
446
00:28:23.380 –> 00:28:26.920
So that’s almost about it this week.
447
00:28:27.060 –> 00:28:29.800
And thank you very much for listening
448
00:28:29.800 –> 00:28:31.740
and supporting this project.
449
00:28:31.760 –> 00:28:33.200
So we’ve been brought to you
450
00:28:33.200 –> 00:28:35.820
by the National Lottery Community Fund
451
00:28:35.820 –> 00:28:38.960
and we will be bringing you a lot more
452
00:28:38.960 –> 00:28:40.360
in the coming weeks.
453
00:28:40.840 –> 00:28:42.720
So just take care of yourselves.
454
00:28:43.280 –> 00:28:44.320
Yep, look after yourselves.
455
00:28:44.580 –> 00:28:46.140
Big hugs, give a hug, get a hug.
456
00:28:53.720 –> 00:28:55.960
Thanks to the National Lottery Community Fund
457
00:28:55.960 –> 00:28:57.700
for supporting this podcast.